Perfect
by mikaera
Summary: Oneshot, Kai's POV, Songfic:Breaking the Habit. Kai's thinking about his idea of perfection, some things that come to his mind while lying in the bed of the Russian Hiwatari Mansion. [Sequel to: While I look at you, but don't need to read first]


**Hi readers!! Another Kai fic, right. This one is a songfic, Kai's pov. It could be a sequel for "Cuando te miro"… that I'll probably some day translate it into English. Anyway, you don't need to read before you read this one, so don't mind.**

**The song is Breaking the Habit, Linkin Park. ****I luv it **

**Disclamer: Neither beyblade nor the song belongs to me!!! I wish at least Kai was mine, but he isn't lol…….. n.n**

**I really hope you like it!!!

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**Perfect**

Kai's POV.

I lay alone in my bed. My room here is cold. I haven't been here for years, but I'm happy to be home after all those agony moments. I still call this place home… because it'll always be.

I don't know if I hate you. My memories about you hurt… they really hurt. I remember pain as the only feeling around you… and I hate that.

_Memories consume  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again _

I remember how home used to be before you died. It was even colder, with your icy eyes that were always everywhere. Russia is cold, and will always be… but since your death, I have to admit, its heartless part has fade away.

I don't hate Russia at all. I thought I did. I thought I hated Russia and I hated Russians, but it's not like that. And deep inside I know, Russia is my land. Russian I am, and will ever be.

I can't help remembering him… he meant so much for me in present and future. He isn't alive either, you killed him.

_You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
(unless I try to start again) _

If I hadn't told my friends I was leaving Japan for business reasons, they would probably be following. 'Personal Reasons' excuse does no longer work. Now they know when I'm talking about Boris or Voltaire by the way I act, I talk, I move.

Why did I have to be perfect? Why did you want me to be perfect? Perfection does exist… but not in this world. I've always found something to complain about myself, and if I don't, you do.

_I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose _

I have always found myself in trouble. My teammates always get into trouble because of me. I was supposed, after the training, to be able to deal with my problems alone… completely alone. And now I can't.

_'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused _

I have to face a guy… but he's afraid. I have to go somewhere, and you're afraid of what I can do there… people is afraid of me. But I know they shouldn't be, I'm not a monster. I'm not devil.

What does not mean I can't be evil.

I hate when people act childishly. And I fight against that. I fight against dishonor and fear.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream _

I know I didn't reach the perfection you wanted me to reach… because I was afraid of reaching it. I was afraid of being the best… and Boris explained me why.

_I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean _

Finally I had to admit he was right. I don't beat Tyson because I don't want to… I don't want to be the best. I have the power, I am emotionally and genetically perfect, I have the best beyblade and bit beast… but I don't bit him because I don't want to.

_I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright _

I should… in spite of all I should beat him. If I want to be the best, I have to defeat the best. But… I don't want to… "because that means my aim is completed, and I don't want to complete my aim"… said my trainer years ago.

_So I'm Breaking the habit _

_I'm Breaking the habit  
Tonight _

I know I should stop it. I know I should stop… complaining about everything. I can't. I was made to be perfect, so I can't stand imperfection.

_Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again _

I remember when I lived here many years ago. I still hadn't realized how harmful you were. I was very afraid of you… I wished you died. And you died, just a month ago.

I don't even think my son got to know you. Gou was risen up in Japan, though his mother is Russian, I didn't let him stay near you. Until I knew that you were at hospital, when my fears started to become lighter.

_I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I have no options left again _

Grandfather… I don't hate you. I wish you had had a cure… I wish you hadn't had to be as evil as you were. You never told me why you were like that.

Did you like being evil?

I hated you for so long… and I realized you should have had a cure when I saw your empty bed on that hospital.

_I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused_

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright  
So I'm Breaking the habit _

_I'm Breaking the habit  
Tonight_

Now I need to tell you… I've returned home. I'm living at your mansion with my son. My room is cold, all the mansion is cold. And you know it was also cold before you left.

It's winter. It's years since I was in Russia for winter. Russian winter is harsh. I know I shouldn't have wished your death. It's wrong to wish someone's death… I shouldn't be smiling when I remember you can no longer bother me or my son.

_I'll paint it on the walls  
'Cause I'm the one at fault _

But I'm not sad you're dead. Maybe it's better like this. Maybe this way you're in peace, and Gou and me are safe. I should have thanked you… because you killed the person I hated the most.

I don't regret Boris' death and never will. He was evil, and he wasn't my family. I'll always hate that man… besides, I can't hate you.

_I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends  
_  
Now I'm not longer alone… I have Dranzer and Gou to help me when I fall. Sometimes remembering you encourages me to keep fighting… to keep fighting against something that no longer exists. And that's my past.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
To show you what I mean _

I should stop it. I should stop it and finally admit I'm not perfect… I should stop it and say… "I don't know why you didn't make me perfect Grandfather! I wish you had! I want to be perfect!"

_I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright _

I will never reach it. I fight to be perfect, but I should know I'm fighting against nothing.

_So I'm Breaking the habit  
I'm Breaking the habit _

_I'm Breaking the habit  
Tonight_

Damn you… you made me think it was worth fighting for it.

Perfection… does not exist in this world.

But I'll always fight to be…

**_Perfect. _**

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**that's all. It was a mouthful of ideas that came to my mind today, I needed to write them down. I hope you liked it!! Please review! **

**C ya all!**

**Wish me luck, I have 4 exams next week! lol**

**Lots of hugzz!**

**Mikaera. **

**PS: Review!! **


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